What about a "Jokes" thread? - I will start.

Joined
Apr 16, 2017
Messages
329
Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
lock down
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together
 
Joined
Apr 16, 2017
Messages
329
Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Me - Apparently farmers are now using spaceships to harvest their crops from space - you - How? - Me - They are using tractor beams!
 
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
2,904
Location
Apple Valley, California, USA
Got bored surfing and stumbled upon some light-hearted material.
Here are just three I chuckled at.


What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD? You can sleep with a light on.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? um,
I don't know. I just wonder how they got in there in the first place.

20 heads are in the pool. 24 heads come out. How is that possible? (20 FOURHEADS)
 
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
2,904
Location
Apple Valley, California, USA
lock down
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together
Very clever Hugh
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
2,936
Location
Nottinghamshire England
A priest, an alcoholic, and an AZ member are sentenced to death. They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the priest's neck. Given the miracle, the priest is allowed to walk free.

Next comes the alcoholic. The executioner offers him the same choice, "Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?". The alcoholic says "I want to face up... to remember my glorious drinking days". So the alcoholic lies face up. The executioner releases the blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man's neck. Given the miracle, the alcoholic is allowed to walk free.

Finally, it's the AZ members turn. Once again, the executioner offers him the same choice, "Face up or face down?". The AZ member scratches his head and says "face up I guess". So the AZ member lies face up.
Just as the executioner is about to release the blade, the AZ member starts shouting. "WAIT WAIT!! .... I found the problem!"

Just remember fixing things is not always the answer !
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
2,936
Location
Nottinghamshire England


Caption anyone ?
 
Joined
May 31, 2013
Messages
3,010
Location
South Benfleet, Essex, England, UK
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
2,936
Location
Nottinghamshire England
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE". He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
 
Joined
May 31, 2013
Messages
3,010
Location
South Benfleet, Essex, England, UK
For all you tandem lovers out there.

 
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
2,904
Location
Apple Valley, California, USA
Danny, this thread is a great idea. (y)
It has been so well received and contributed to that I had to start one here on our local 'Nextdoor' website.
I posted the idea just last night and it is already getting a great response. Thank you.

Nextdoor connects neighbors to each other — and to everything nearby: Local businesses, services, news updates, recommendations, and stuff for sale from the people down the block.

Here is one of the latest contributions:

I was at Walmart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked me if I was in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better be careful what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world ......
 
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
2,904
Location
Apple Valley, California, USA
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
 
Top