What about a "Jokes" thread? - I will start.

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The guy who invented predictive text died last month

I went to his funfair last wedding.
 
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Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
 
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Police arrested a hairdresser in our village yesterday, she was dealing drugs and running an escort service.

Just goes to show how little you really know people...



I've been a customer of hers for seven years and I never knew she was a hairdresser !
 
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Advertising explained.

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed. We hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
 
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A newlywed couple wanted to invited their friends over for a steak & mushroom dinner. The wife had all the ingredients except the mushrooms. The husband said, "There are plenty of mushrooms growing in the backyard."

"Are you sure?" said the wife. "They could be poisonous?"

The husband replied, "I will give one to the dog and if he is okay, then we can use them."

Sure enough, the dog was given a mushroom and seemed okay, so they used the backyard mushrooms and served steak & mushrooms to their guests. During the dinner, the phone rang and it was their next door neighbor. The wife answered the phone. "I am sorry to bother you dear but your dog is dead."

Frantic, the wife dropped the phone and the couple called 911 and had all their guests sent to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. When she got home, the wife called her neighbor to thank her. "No problem dear, but that car that hit him never stopped!"
 
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I said to my wife,"I would like you to have this bracelet, It was my grandmothers"
Wife replied, "Why does it have , Do not resuscitate engraved on it" !!!
 
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oops!

2
 
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My wife’s been missing for over a week now. The police told me to prepare for the worst so I had to go back to the charity shop and get her clothes back.
 
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Policeman at the door said looks like your wife has been run over by a bus ?

I said well I know she is no picture but she has a heart of gold ?
 
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One for DannyC ......
 
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Sitting here in ER in a lot of pain.

Don’t want to go into details but the “Dyson ball cleaner” is a very misleading product name!
 
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2 nice little viagra jokes for you -1) a 90+ yr old walks into a pharmacy & asks for viagra: the pharmacist politely asks why on Earth a man of his age would need viagra: the 90-yr-old man replies, 'It's to stop me pissin' on me foot!" 2) Another very elderly man asks the pharmacist to tell him exactly what viagra does?: the pharmacist tells him, the elderly man replies "Can I get it across the counter?", the pharmacist says "Well probably yes, if you took enough of it!"
 
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